[Pokemon Fic] Breaks
Aug. 27th, 2010 11:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bay_alexisonI decided to post some of my fics that I wrote for some lj communities here. Most of them will be Pokemon and Fullmetal Alchemist, though. Maybe I might start a Masters List of the fics I posted here too, but we'll see.
Title: Breaks
Author: bay115
Rating: G
Verse: Gen II, Gen IV (Johto), Games
Characters: Bill, Bill’s younger sister
Summary: Bill and his younger sister were taking a stroll down the Shopping District of Goldenrod City. Bill doesn't like the atmosphere, however.
Author’s Notes: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
pokeprompts, blitz prompt “Fresh Air.” Bill’s younger sister is mentioned in the games a couple times. Also, the girl that you meet in Bill’s house at Goldenrod City and giving you Bill’s number is what I believed to be his sis. XD I hope no one mind me naming her Ally, though. ._. I want to thank ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nekusagi, enigma_shadow1, and bobnbill for looking over my work real quick for any grammar mistakes and awkward sentences.
Bill hated jazz music.
He and his sister Ally were at the Shopping District at downtown Goldenrod City. It was a small area where a large amount of brand-named retail stores clustered together. From bookstores to restaurants to high fashion, everything was there. It was like an outside mall. Many citizens of Goldenrod City liked this because of the fresh air and sunshine. Everyday there would be people coming in and out of the building, each one having at least one item or meal.
As people were walking, there would be music from the speakers as a way to give the customers a great shopping experience. Bill didn’t like that idea, however.
Guess this area changed since the last time I came.
Bill and his sister walked pass a few buildings. Ally hummed to the jazz music and skipped around the sidewalk for a while, causing some bypassers to look at her in confusion.
“Oh come on brother, jazz music is fun!” Ally chimed, looking at her brother’s annoyed expression.
“You know I don’t like jazz music, it’s too fancy for my taste!”
Ally pouted and the two were silent for the time being.
The siblings and the Pokémon continued passing more buildings. There was one well-known fashion store that Bill glanced at, so he huffed. He also noticed there were more famous stores that he only heard of from either Lanette or Bebe, much to his disbelief. Even female researchers would want to look nice or have pretty things.
I’m right after all. Now there are more high class stores in this district. Don’t know if I’m liking this one bit…
Bill remembered when the Shopping District had many “mom and pop” stores where a decent amount of people would come but everyone knew one another and customer service was number one. The place grew and there were more people now, who would rush out of the store after they got their designer purse. He got distracted from his thoughts when his sister tugged his left sleeve.
“Bill, can we go to that place?”
The brother turned around and saw one sign that said “Val’s Cheese Factory” and a huge round cheese next to it.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “You know I’m lactose-intolerant.”
“But I want to eat cheese from the Isshu region! I heard those are really good.”
“Wait until you get to Isshu, then.”
Ally groaned while Bill let out a tired sigh. He hated making his sister mad, but just looking at cheese made him sick.
The next hour the two went and sat on a bench, Ally eating some candy. They went to a candy store earlier and the girl bought some jelly beans and gummy Caterpie. She moaned in satisfaction each time she took a bite.
“Bill, why are you always busy?” the girl asked with her mouth full.
Bill blinked, wondering if it was the question or his sister eating when talking that caught him off guard. “Excuse me?”
Before Ally answered, she had her head down. “It’s just that ever since you came here you don’t spend any time with me. Mommy and Daddy also believed you should talk to them more often.”
A string had been pulled on Bill’s heart. He thought he saw a tear on his sister’s face. It was true since he came back here he didn’t spend much time with his family. Instead he kept going to Ecruteak City and back through his Abra’s Teleport to finish with the Time Capsule. He was so busy with his inventions he forgot why he went to Goldenrod City in the first place—to relax and spend time with his family.
“You know what Ally, you’re right,” he said, wiping a tear from Ally’s face. “I never realized how much I was away working when I came back here. I’m sorry.”
Ally sniffled. “It’s all right. You know, I thought you would enjoy spending time with me today, but you seem irritated.”
Bill laughed. “No, I’m not irritated at you. Again, I hated jazz music and top fashion.”
“I don’t mind the music, but I don’t like fancy dos either,” the sister said, grinning.
The young man let out a surprised expression on his face; he had always thought his little sister liked nice clothing. He then chuckled and ruffled Ally’s hair.
“Good to know.” He paused, having thought of an idea. “You know what, let’s go to Val’s Cheese Factory and get that Isshu cheese.”
Without warning, Ally squealed and hugged her brother. Bill blushed, but he hugged his sister back. It had been a while since he hugged anyone, but he felt warmth all over his body. The siblings right after got up and walked back towards the cheese store. While walking, Bill thought the jazz music sounded good to his ears now.
+++
Fun fact: a couple days ago I was going to an outside mall and many things referenced in the story were based off from my experiences. The mall had places like Macys, Apple Store (yes, you heard it right), Abercrombie, Coffee Bean, etc. There was also jazz music being played from the speakers, which I liked. XD Also, there were still quite a few people doing some shopping. Wasn’t as much people as a couple years ago though due to the recession. :x
Title: Breaks
Author: bay115
Rating: G
Verse: Gen II, Gen IV (Johto), Games
Characters: Bill, Bill’s younger sister
Summary: Bill and his younger sister were taking a stroll down the Shopping District of Goldenrod City. Bill doesn't like the atmosphere, however.
Author’s Notes: For
pokeprompts, blitz prompt “Fresh Air.” Bill’s younger sister is mentioned in the games a couple times. Also, the girl that you meet in Bill’s house at Goldenrod City and giving you Bill’s number is what I believed to be his sis. XD I hope no one mind me naming her Ally, though. ._. I want to thank nekusagi, enigma_shadow1, and bobnbill for looking over my work real quick for any grammar mistakes and awkward sentences. Bill hated jazz music.
He and his sister Ally were at the Shopping District at downtown Goldenrod City. It was a small area where a large amount of brand-named retail stores clustered together. From bookstores to restaurants to high fashion, everything was there. It was like an outside mall. Many citizens of Goldenrod City liked this because of the fresh air and sunshine. Everyday there would be people coming in and out of the building, each one having at least one item or meal.
As people were walking, there would be music from the speakers as a way to give the customers a great shopping experience. Bill didn’t like that idea, however.
Guess this area changed since the last time I came.
Bill and his sister walked pass a few buildings. Ally hummed to the jazz music and skipped around the sidewalk for a while, causing some bypassers to look at her in confusion.
“Oh come on brother, jazz music is fun!” Ally chimed, looking at her brother’s annoyed expression.
“You know I don’t like jazz music, it’s too fancy for my taste!”
Ally pouted and the two were silent for the time being.
The siblings and the Pokémon continued passing more buildings. There was one well-known fashion store that Bill glanced at, so he huffed. He also noticed there were more famous stores that he only heard of from either Lanette or Bebe, much to his disbelief. Even female researchers would want to look nice or have pretty things.
I’m right after all. Now there are more high class stores in this district. Don’t know if I’m liking this one bit…
Bill remembered when the Shopping District had many “mom and pop” stores where a decent amount of people would come but everyone knew one another and customer service was number one. The place grew and there were more people now, who would rush out of the store after they got their designer purse. He got distracted from his thoughts when his sister tugged his left sleeve.
“Bill, can we go to that place?”
The brother turned around and saw one sign that said “Val’s Cheese Factory” and a huge round cheese next to it.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “You know I’m lactose-intolerant.”
“But I want to eat cheese from the Isshu region! I heard those are really good.”
“Wait until you get to Isshu, then.”
Ally groaned while Bill let out a tired sigh. He hated making his sister mad, but just looking at cheese made him sick.
The next hour the two went and sat on a bench, Ally eating some candy. They went to a candy store earlier and the girl bought some jelly beans and gummy Caterpie. She moaned in satisfaction each time she took a bite.
“Bill, why are you always busy?” the girl asked with her mouth full.
Bill blinked, wondering if it was the question or his sister eating when talking that caught him off guard. “Excuse me?”
Before Ally answered, she had her head down. “It’s just that ever since you came here you don’t spend any time with me. Mommy and Daddy also believed you should talk to them more often.”
A string had been pulled on Bill’s heart. He thought he saw a tear on his sister’s face. It was true since he came back here he didn’t spend much time with his family. Instead he kept going to Ecruteak City and back through his Abra’s Teleport to finish with the Time Capsule. He was so busy with his inventions he forgot why he went to Goldenrod City in the first place—to relax and spend time with his family.
“You know what Ally, you’re right,” he said, wiping a tear from Ally’s face. “I never realized how much I was away working when I came back here. I’m sorry.”
Ally sniffled. “It’s all right. You know, I thought you would enjoy spending time with me today, but you seem irritated.”
Bill laughed. “No, I’m not irritated at you. Again, I hated jazz music and top fashion.”
“I don’t mind the music, but I don’t like fancy dos either,” the sister said, grinning.
The young man let out a surprised expression on his face; he had always thought his little sister liked nice clothing. He then chuckled and ruffled Ally’s hair.
“Good to know.” He paused, having thought of an idea. “You know what, let’s go to Val’s Cheese Factory and get that Isshu cheese.”
Without warning, Ally squealed and hugged her brother. Bill blushed, but he hugged his sister back. It had been a while since he hugged anyone, but he felt warmth all over his body. The siblings right after got up and walked back towards the cheese store. While walking, Bill thought the jazz music sounded good to his ears now.
+++
Fun fact: a couple days ago I was going to an outside mall and many things referenced in the story were based off from my experiences. The mall had places like Macys, Apple Store (yes, you heard it right), Abercrombie, Coffee Bean, etc. There was also jazz music being played from the speakers, which I liked. XD Also, there were still quite a few people doing some shopping. Wasn’t as much people as a couple years ago though due to the recession. :x
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-09-03 12:34 pm (UTC)Still, I found the beginning a little plain, because it seemed more like you were telling rather than showing us the shopping district. 'It was a small area where a large amount of brand-named retail stores clustered together. From bookstores to restaurants to high fashion, everything was there. It was like an outside mall.': I think, perhaps, you could have used more colours and added more life into the scene in order to really draw the reader in. Like people bustling or a more detailed description so that the reader can see the setting clearly in their mind.
The part that confused me slightly was when Bill huffed at a 'well-known fashion store'. I assume its because its been built there, signalling that downtown’s really changed and that he doesn’t like it. But the term 'well-known' is misleading, because it makes me think that the fashion store has established its presence in the Shopping District for a significant amount of time. Maybe you could use another word to get your point across? Like ‘a new high-class’ or ‘a new high-end’ fashion store, just a small suggestion.
'Bill and his sister walked pass a few buildings.' : I think its meant to be spelt as 'walked past'.
I find that you deal with Bill’s emotions and thought process really well, but I felt that the fic may have been better if there was more description about surroundings, more attention given to the way characters move and how their actions can be illustrated with more than just a straightforward narration. One part in particular is the transition between the sister’s happiness of eating candy to her sadness of Bill’s absence, and I found it a bit abrupt. Of course, this could be your style of writing, and I wouldn’t want you to change it completely because of a small opinion.
The ending was really sweet though C: I wish you could have elaborated on Bill's feelings to pull more at the reader's heartstrings.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-03 03:59 pm (UTC)Yeah, I could have elaborate more on the surroundings and emotions there, but the time limit for this prompt (the "fresh air" one, not the "summer skin" one) is one hour, so it is kinda expected that this piece would be rushed quite a bit. If I could add content after I finished it I could, but I'm not allowed to. >.>; I'll keep that in mind though if I get the chance to do the other prompts (without the one hour time limit and such :P).
As for the well known store part, well what I was going for is that Bill doesn't like fashion (in Bulbapedia it says he's not into "fancy-dos" ). What I wanted to do is show that there is one store pretty much everyone except him know about it. But you do bring up a good point, though. I'll think about that too.
Again, thanks for the review and glad you like it despite it being an hour rushed writing piece. XD;